fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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