you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
