I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
