i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
