he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
