THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
