I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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