Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
