how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
