I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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