Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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