why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
