A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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