Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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