the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
