I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
