Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
