Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
