Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Green mimosas i think yes
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
