if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Two words: blizzard sex
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hello my rib-scented angel!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
