how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I party with great urgency now.
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