Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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