he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
