just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
