i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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