Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
