I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
