Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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