So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
