Are we in a gay sports bar?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
