please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
