Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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