I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
