Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
