Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
