youre lurking in front of me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
