Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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