Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
