that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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