Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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