my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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