If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
