I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
