alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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