Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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