I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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