im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
