im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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