Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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