My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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