Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
