maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
