he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
