Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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