so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
