she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
